I finally did it! On December 17, 2008, I took my shahada. I know I have been gone for a while but I promise that I will be back.

My husband left me about a month ago and he is divorcing me. All this shortly after he got his greencard. I’ve begged, cried, and pleaded with him to stay but he refuses. Now any thought that there is a God has left me and I feel a hatred coming over me. Why if there is a God did he let this happen. I think my husband cared about me but he didn’t love me. The thoughts about converting were my own and he never once tried to get me to become or show any interest in the fact I wanted to be a Muslim. I feel like my life is over and have gone into a deep depression.

I have spoken about how much trouble I have sleeping at night. Usually I can get my sleeping habits under control after a few tries but lately no such luck. I am sleeping at night and into the morning and afternoon. I fall into a deep sleep where my dreams seem real and I can’t shake my drowsiness. I know I am very depressed but I never thought sleeping so much could be a sign of depression. I’m starting to wonder if I could be pregnant! That would be the last thing I need in my life. I never wanted kids but ended up being pregnant with my only child just from lack of being responsible. I can’t afford another child at this moment but later on this year or next I could. But emotionally I can’t afford another at all! The things that I am going through with my first one are too much to handle for me now. I sleep all day while my child gets out of their bed when they are supposed to be asleep with me. But how can I even think a child would sleep all day just because I am unable to move out of the bed. My sleeping is only getting worse but so has my child. When I am able to get out of the bed the house looks like a tornado has been through it. It isn’t the normal bad child stuff either. It’s weird things I wake up to find. Like pencil shavings all over the floor and in my shoes, scratched dvds, torn paper everywhere, all the icing licked out of the oreos with the cookies leftover and crushed, all the contacts in my cell phone erased, text message after message sent that say nothing but jibberish, my new contacts taken out of the boxes and packaging stacked on top of one after the other dried out to a crisp, and more. I used to find toothpaste spread all over the restroom but after so many time-outs and spankings it finally stopped. What is wrong with my child!? I can’t bring my child anywhere without fussing the entire time while there. I could never sit down in Chuck E. Cheese while my child played like other children. I have to follow my child around the place because they can not function like other children. My child can’t bathe, dress, or go to the restroom on their own. They constantly ask to go to the restroom even though they are at home and not at school. Even though they had been asking before they even started school. Why has this happened to me? My only child that I make sure is clean, fed, and safe when there are parents that have four and five kids that are always dirty and keep having kids they can’t care for at all. Why were they allowed to be normal and my only one has so many problems and has been misdiagnosed. When I finally get a diagnosis it’s worse then the first wrong one and there is no cure or chance for them to get better. I was also told with my child’s I.Q. scores they would never lead an independent life and would always have to have someone care for them. I don’t think I can be a mother anymore. I have been losing my temper and saying things I shouldn’t towards my child. They should be with someone who can handle what is going on with them. I am thinking about putting them in a home for special needs. I feel like all the therapy and treatments I have tried have been a complete waste of time. First they told me Autism which with treatment and therapy some kids get better. But now they tell me there is no Autism my child is just mentally disabled, slow, retarded, whatever you want to call it. There is no getting better now or recovering! What can I do when all the dreams I had for my child have not only been destroyed but set on fire and buried! I have no one to help me so I never get a break just for myself or to do things with my husband alone. How can such a beautiful child have so many problems and to just look at them you would assume they were normal. I can’t see anything on television, magazines, or on the internet about children without crying. I don’t want to send my child away but right now I can not do right by them. I feel that parents who do this are pathetic. I have no relationship with my child as an individual, only a parent to child relationship. I have never had a conversation with my child because they can not hold a conversation. They can talk but it’s just words that sometimes put together can make sense but for the most part they do not. The most I get are a sentence or two but that’s it. Asking for something like food or toys are as complex as it gets. I have no children with my husband and he also says he doesn’t want any. When I married him none of this stuff with my child was going on but as my child’s second birthday rolled around he wasn’t communicating like other children. My husband said something was wrong but I didn’t want to believe it. At about 2 1/2 while filling out the developmental checklist I noticed that my child wasn’t doing anything that other kids my child’s age was doing. The doctor gave me a prescription for Speech and Physical Therapy. The physical therapy because my child was extremely clumsy always running into things even if they were in plain view. My child’s P.T(Physical Therapist) mentioned the word Autism to me before anyone because she had a family member with the same signs and she was also on the board at the local Autism chapter. That then started my year long studying and trying different treatments. I also got a script for my child to start Occupational Therapy. All my child’s therapists agreed that it was Autism and would say my child was very smart but just had social issues and a language development delay. Even though my child would just stare at me sometimes when I would say things and I would have to repeat them three or four times.  This lead me to get my child’s hearing examined and B(my child’s initial) passed and B also had an eye exam later which they passed. B also couldn’t put their jacket on, bathe, or clean on their own after going to the restroom. I have went out and bought just about every toy B therapists use to try to make them better. I have spent so much money on vitamins, books, conferences about Autism, anything I could read about to help B recover. Now B doesn’t even have Autism what do I do now? Where do I start? There is no cure for the mentally disabled. I was just hoping next year B would be going to a regular kindergarten class. Now the money I was saving to decorate B’s room has to go for a specialist in New Orleans to run more  I.Q. and developmental tests. This is just the beginning of problems that doesn’t include the asthma, allergies, behavioral problems, and ADHD my child has.

to be continued…

I was casually looking for Arab things to decorate my home with a hamsa to be exact and whatever else I could find. My home has a subject or color theme to it. My restroom is the beach, my kitchen is lemons, and my living room is Arab. To make my husband feel like he is in Palestine whenever he comes home is why I chose this theme. My search isn’t going so well. I have what is dark multicolored furniture that to me looks Arab but to my husband, “I don’t care. This is woman stuff.”, later he says the colors are good for an Arab look. This is the only help I have gotten and will get. I have no idea what looks Arab and what doesn’t. There isn’t a huge Arab population here so I can’t just go to a store and buy things.

Anyway, while on Ebay searching this came up.  http://cgi.ebay.com/Haunted-Gypsy-10-GENIE-JINN-DJINN-MARID-EXTREME-BINDING_W0QQitemZ310034079581QQihZ021QQcategoryZ102514QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Why would anyone buy this and for $2,500!!!! The only thing I know about Jinns from reading other Muslim blogs is that they are evil and that’s all I need to know. I’m scared of anything ghost-like or satanic. There are only two things that scare me, mice and ghosts. Unfortunately I have come across a mice and nearly lost my mind. If I was the fainting kind I would have hit the floor. Thankfully, I have not met any ghosts but to my chagrin I met the last tenant that lived in the home I stay in now. She quickly let me know it is haunted. When she said haunted I told her that’s all I need to know. I now sleep with at least three lights on in the house when my husband is not here. My child is visiting family for spring break so I am all alone some nights. That’s where the other two lights come in at since my child is not here either. My husband works nights a few days a week. I know I am too old(not that old) to sleep with the lights on. LOL But if someone told you that I’m sure you might also. I am in the process of looking for a new place as I type!

Does anyone else have any jinn/ghost stories? And what do you guys think of the expensive jinns for sale on Ebay?

My child’s school is having a Dr. Seuss celebration for his birthday. To celebrate they are going to serve green eggs and ham for a small fee of course. It’s another pork conundrum! I hate to make my child feel different since we won’t be eating the pork and all the other parents and students will. I will of course attend but I don’t have that fond of a memory when it comes to this dish. I think I will cook a few slices of turkey bacon and bring it with me. I’m not sure what to do or say. Any suggestions? My childhood experience with the dish follows.

What child hasn’t been read this story! I remember being in Kindergarten and after having the story read to myself and the rest of the class, the teachers said we would actually eat green eggs and ham! Of course like the other children I was beyond excited. I couldn’t fathom that green eggs and ham actually did exist and myself and my class were going to have the honor of eating this strange dish. Until that point I assumed that books were only make-believe and couldn’t actually come to life. Well in a way this book for me was. Well, that innocent joy was soon turned to tears of horror! Imagine seeing actual scrambled eggs that were green, the shock. How could they do this to me? I was a nice kid I didn’t cause trouble in class why would they want me to eat something so so unnatural. I knew eggs were yellow not green. This didn’t sit well with me and the tears started. I refused to eat it and asked for my Mom so I could go home. No matter what they said they couldn’t convince me to eat the stuff and believe me they spent the entire morning trying. Well I eventually broke down and tried the stuff. To my suprised they tasted like regular scrambled eggs. I loved it! Once I finished I wanted more but alas it was all gone and I would have to wait until lunch to eat again. First, scared out of my mind then hungry. So far the whole turning books into reality thing wasn’t what it cracked up to be.

I haven’t had green eggs and ham since and I never thought I would have to. I just hope my child reacts better then I did. I’m going to grin and put on a strong front, while I eat something that looks like a pile of green chicken puke. It may not taste bad but it sure looks a hot mess. More then anything I hope I don’t have any flashbacks or revert to my former 5 year old self.

I thought converting to Islam would be easy. I was wrong. This will be one of the hardest things I have ever done.  There is so much I don’t know and so much I need to know. I feel like my brain is going to explode from tmi. This is seriously no joke and not for the faint of heart. I promise if my taqwaa(I’m sure it’s spelled wrong and doesn’t apply.) becomes strong I will start a  weekly study group to strengthen my faith and to help other new converts. There needs to be a Muslim 101 class and if there isn’t one in my area when I am more confident and studied in Islam then I will start one. There are so many Catholic and Christian churches in my area but there is only one mosque. I would prefer not to go to that one because I know the Imam and any questions that I may ask will only get back to my husband. And I am without a doubt the things I may ask or do will only be used against me and to make my husband look like a fool.

On another note I find myself wondering why after many years do converts still refer to themselves as converts. No matter the number of years they have been a Muslim they always say convert. What makes you not a convert? I feel someone like myself(once I do convert) yes, but after 5, 10, or 15 years no, I will no longer call myself a convert.

I do my best writing in the early hours of the morning. Having not slept at all the night before. I have always had trouble sleeping at night but can sleep like a baby during the day. This is another one of the things I hope Allah can help me with among many other. As I type my mind is dragging at a snail’s pace and it takes all I have to keep my fingers moving across the keys. There are so many subjects I would like to cover. If I sidetrack please ignore, my mind has the tendency to wander.

A big part of me is afraid of becoming a Muslim. I haven’t taken one step towards this goal. I should probably rename this blog to, “Muslimah  Holding the Application Papers”. I don’t have a Quran, I don’t know how to pray, I have never even been to the Mosque. I have been to a Mosque before once to get married and to attend services when I was trying out religions. Not much honor in the last one but I was on a discovery to find myself. Have I found myself? Yes and no. Yes because I feel that a person is constantly changing and maturing. What you enjoyed or felt as a teenager or young adult easily changes as you get older. So I have come to accept that part of myself. And no because I am constantly changing and discovering who I am. When I was on that journey and attended the Mosque I went only twice. There were things I learned that I didn’t agree with or just didn’t like.

The first being the Mosque, or building really, had a line separating the men from the women. I felt that they were telling me men are better then women so they belong in the front and the lowly woman I was belonged in the back. I had a Rosa Parks moment. If she didn’t accept sitting in the back of the bus why should I accept sitting in the back! LOL I have learned that in a Mosque the men and women have completely separate rooms. I agree with the separation of the sexes now that I understand why. How can a man concentrate if he has to see my butt bent over while he prays. This can be very distracting. Men don’t deal with their sexual urges as well as women do. But it would be just as hard for a woman to concentrate if she only saw a men’s backside the entire time. LOL So this makes a lot of sense. Going to the Christian Church many people used that time to flirt and find a boyfriend or girlfriend. As a teenager with raging hormones I always made sure to look my best only so I could get the attention of a guy I liked.

The second reason was no more PORK!!!! Being from the south pork is our only form of food. Well not really but we eat a ton of it! LOL There is nothing better than a slab of BBQ’d ribs with cheeses grits on the side! I promised my husband before we married I would give up pork. I find I still eat it without thinking about it and sometimes purposely. When my husband makes me mad I would go out and buy pork eat some and bring the rest home and put it in the fridge. He would get mad and just throw it out. Food is an emotional crutch for me. I eat when I am unhappy or depressed. I won’t lie I ate pork a few weeks ago when my husband and I got into a huge fight. It’s silly I know but I feel the need to do it. I have noticed when I do eat pork it makes me sick. It is hard to very hard to avoid seeing that it is in so much food and you have to really examine labels to make sure it isn’t. Last year my child was invited to a classmates birthday party and they served pork as the main dish. Everyone was eating and asked me why didn’t I eat. I told them we don’t eat pork and the person that cooked it looked like I just said his food was horrible. I went ahead and had some just so I wouldn’t hurt the host’s feelings. I fed my child the potato salad and plain rice but I made myself another plate but with pork. I don’t know how to avoid those situations without being a rude guest. Of course people love to say your husband isn’t here and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Many Christians fail to realize or just ignore the fact that the Bible forbids the consumption of pork something I too just learned.

The last and final is no more Oreos! When he said that after the service(don’t know what it’s called) I left and never went back. He said pork is used to make the cookies even though it isn’t listed because it is not a main ingredient. I thought to myself how can someone make such a wonderful and perfect cookie a sin. I just knew he was a crazy Muslim fanatic out to make an innocent cookie evil. When I was going everyone said they don’t they are crazy, fanatics, Godless, the usual anti-Muslim tirade. Well no Oreos proved to me they were right. LOL I don’t think they use pork anymore because most gelatin are now plant based and not animal. I was just a teenager so forgive my immature reasoning. LOL Even though pigs are filthy and disgusting animals that eat and drink their own feces and drink their urine I still crave the taste at times. I even saw the urine drinking with my own two eyes while watching the movie, “Jackass the Movie”, which I totally loved and all things Jackass. The guys are hilarious and have me in stitches. Wildboyz is another favorite of mine. You will soon learn I have the intelligence of a twelve year old and the humor of a college frat boy. Neither of which I am ashamed! LOL Maybe I should be on second thought. So this will be something I continue to work on and I’m sure it shouldn’t be a problem. I’m just glad it’s pork and not chocolate!

On a darker note recently, yesterday actually, my life has taken a drastic turn for the worse. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse it does. Is this some kind of test that Allah is giving me to see if I will close my heart to him? I don’t know but I feel my heart hardening and my want fading. In a week or maybe sooner I will make a post letting you know what is this test if that is. At this moment in my life I think God hates me.

I don’t want to reveal too much about myself as I don’t know where I will allow this blog will take me. I have decided to become a Mulsim, hopefully. But as many converts I am sure, I have many questions and contradicting feelings about Islam. Being raised my entire life as a Christian with many Pastors, Preachers, Ministers, or what term best suits you, in my family I know this decision will be a suprise. Can I overcome the embarrassment of being seen as a “Weirdo, Crazy, or Psycho” by my family members and friends. Even thought I am not close to my family and don’t have any friends people are going to talk. My entire life I have never felt a connection with Christianity even with all my time served on Sudays. I have spent countless hours on Sundays and! weekdays in church just waiting for it to be over. I always would say to myself as soon as I turn 18 I’m never going to church again! LOL And I did make good on that promise but would relent sometimes to please my Mother and just go on special occassions. My path ahead is rocky but will I be strong and faithful enough to continue my journey? I don’t know. Stay tune to find out next week same….well you know the rest. I’ll be back with more, maybe!

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